The N-Dimensional vector !

Disclaimer: The post is not related to Mathematics or Machine learning. With my obsession towards Machine learning I gave this title! And one more thing.  Yeah, this is a lengthy post!

Seems like I am blogging frequently. I blog when I am elated. Yes, my guru, RP mam’s visit to my workplace yesterday is the strongest reason. Yeah, also when I am confused or worried or tired, I blog. I perceive writing as one of the mind massaging things. I thought of writing this post tomorrow after getting done with the tasks that are lined up. This semester I am relatively free on the academics’ front compared to my last sem. Last semester, The Design and Analysis of Algorithm just occupied my space like anything but this sem, I am handling two B.tech Machine learning (ML) classes and I have already recorded my lectures but still I have to do many Youtube lectures as I am handling more PhD  ML students this time. And yeah, patent  submission deadline is coming Monday and I have to write a solid algo to my  recent obsession to build Morphological Analyser for Tamil in Python with my co faculties, Karthick, Anitha and Srinivasan.  I preferred to blog despite all these facts, as I go by the decision taken by my arteries sometimes and delay the decisions of my neurons.

As usual after meandering in the first para, I am landing on the title here. This meandering is mainly due to the fact that I am talkative in the form of  both text and speech (Hey ! again NLP obsession is just popping up !) Looks like still I have not come to the point. Yes, coming to the point. The “N” dimensional vector means the perspectives of a person’s life. This vector you remember which had magnitude and direction which is associated with Mathematics and machine learning. Don’t worry if you don’t understand vector. That does not matter at all 😊  

This post is about my N-dimensional vector, I own at the age of 36. May be,  I may own some more as years pass by. The primary dimension of mine which strikes me is my “family” – dimension. I think the more happiness that is generated out of this dimension, the more it gets reflected to the other dimensions as well! Happiness does not come for free. compromises, Sacrifices, acceptance, tolerance, trust  are the building blocks. Love does not emerge or work out the way it is depicted on movies or like in the crap serials.  Me and Selva had to change a lot mutually. I used to get angry and fight with Selva  in the Past. Even now I do as he is the only eligible person to whom I can vent my anger once in a while  as I have almost stopped getting angry out of my home .  Earlier I used to be a severe Angry bird but one day my daughter said, “If you both fight like this, why I should be in this home”. That changed me completely.  Its true that kids don’t feel safe if parents don’t gel well. Also, my kid is learning life through both of us, so decided to be the way what we are supposed to be than teaching her theoretically. Also, I can’t avoid insisting my point to Selva. Mostly I will abide by him only when it comes to saving money, I will insist, and my daughter is also supporting me these days so I am able to handle.  Selva is one of the wonderful dads in the world (According to me!).  I thought of revealing this as the family-dimension of me is not only because of me it’s also because of him.  Selva is highly a short tempered and a strict dad but me and my daughter have the clarity of vision to see his love behind his scoldings. (He won’t accept this fact as we don’t follow his instructions mostly 😊) He treats both me and my daughter at the same scale as we both are messy creatures. Beyond all disparities, I feel him to be the most comfortable person on earth. When my mind is totally confused, a nap on his lap clears it all. Yeah, the angry birds are the truly affectionate creatures!

The other dimension of me is the society around me. Of course, you should have a good vibe around you.  Until I was in Tamil computing lab, Anna University, I felt as if I am at home. After joining SRM, I started learning people. I can decipher the truth and the lies hidden behind any spoken words.  I think so 😊. I generally have an approachable path to all, officially and  research wise.  Otherwise, I have become so choosy, I guess. I like the people who can speak to me appreciating the person in me.  I have good set of friends whom I trust unconditionally. Regarding opposite sex people, I have changed my views that I had, while working in Tamil computing lab (Tacola). We barely saw gender differences at Tacola. At SRM, I am avoiding unofficial conversations with the opposite sex but still I can’t tag all in this category. Men are not bad, I know, and I am not trying to build that kind of a picture here. I do have belief on a closed set of men (Their names are already mentioned in the beginning of this post😊), whom I am comfortable talking freely and  and I chose them to work with me or maybe they  also chose me to work with them for the same reason😊.

And the other dimension I would want to mention here is the , “me ” dimension.  I feel a person needs to be happy by herself/himself which can bring happiness to their family and society. I think a person needs to understand the root causes for their happiness.  I don’t believe in pulling out reasons to postpone happiness citing the time spent for family and the societal needs. He or she should have a vision towards life. Be it  choosing a career or not choosing a career, having a hobby or not having a hobby, listening to music or not listening to music, going to gym or not going to gym, being slim or fat! Whatever way we want, I feel we should choose despite the fellow- human views. I generally don’t like copying others for happiness, as their happiness can’t mean a happiness to me 😊. Two days back my younger brother, asked me to help him decide on his  shifting to Chennai from Mumbai. I said, right or wrong , you decide on which will bring you happiness.  I chose teaching as my career long back even before my PhD.  My mom being a Tamil professor did not give me this idea may be passed on the skills  needed  😊. The 9 months teaching experience I had at Saveetha Engineering after my M.E, told me that this should be fixed as my career and I had to move on to Junior Research Fellow job to pursue my PhD. Though I liked it I never loved it the the way I loved teaching, so I was travelling consistently in that direction. When things did not fall into place after my Phd , i.e I could not get a teaching job, I was about to enter Cognizant’s Rand D they call it GTO but for some reason It got delayed and reached me after I got int o SRM. I had to decide that time as the package was high which I did not  reach even now and had so many flexibilities. But my arteries and neurons voted more for teaching and consistently said that teaching will bring me happiness. Right or wrong I chose to be at SRM and I am happy for that decision I took. Also, I cant be happy If I am not writing or listening to my favorite songs and I can’t point on my family responsibilities  as the reasons. I decided to reduce my sleeping hours to align my hobbies that are happiness generators 😊 Yes, Happiness does not come for free !  

So, I will fix N=3, I mean I will stop with my 3 dimensions as of now may be as I get older and get those grey hairs (touch wood! only two to three hairs are grey! as of now 😊) , I will extend this post (Part 2?).  Lets see how this goes.

Oh ! You are still reading this post ? thanks for your time 😊

Subalalitha

A Perception on the Future

Today, feeling like, I am drained too much after having a packed weekend, Saturday, parents home visit followed by a boring movie in theatre, returned home at 11. Sunday morning had to get  up at 4 AM to prepare for a talk on Sunday at CEG,  followed by cooking and had to leave by 9 AM to CEG . Everything was of course fun but it drained a lot of energy and coming to college as usual without a breathing time, feels so heavy. Usually  I don’t write blogs in working hours but wanted badly to write . So decided to write post 3.30 PM when my biometric time ends but I have to  anyway wait for the college bus till 4.20 and so thought of making use of this time gap!. A convenient way of bending things the way we want 😊

Yeah not much time left, I must come to the point. This post popped up a week back when I was talking to a faculty. Actually she was my co-faculty in lab. She asked me if I could accompany her for a tea. I said yes but she did not have the tea as there was no sugar-free tea available. She is on Keto diet. I can’t be in diet as I am  already  consuming very less these days (may be I am aging that’s y not able to eat  much now!). On top of this I can’t imagine of diet. Coming back to that faculty,  She said she is depressed. I asked her why. She said, “my son is not talking much with me as he did earlier”. I think her son is in 7^th grade. She said she is feeling very lonely nowadays. I anyway told her to look at the positive sides and asked her to  think of gals who don’t have family at her age, or gals who don’t have kids at her age. She said ok and I think she felt better but I started feeling worse after that ☹.  Advising is the one of  the easiest tasks in the world but following it is not that easier.

I am generally obsessed with my daughter and I will get down to the core, mentally , if she goes to in-laws home. I can’t cross a day without conversing with her. I have also written about this in one of the earlier posts. But after that co-faculty said, I too thought, may be my daughter would also not converse the same way she is doing currently with me  when she grows and may be she will spend much time with her friends. She may have to go for higher studies and  Yeah one day she will get married and will have a separate family, separated from me. All this will happen but was thinking if I will accept this and cross with the smile on my face?

I could grasp this from my mom and from in laws. The way they wait for us and the way they feel when we leave, I could get it. When I tell my mom that I am coming this weekend, she will almost everyday  call and ask at what time you will come and ask what papa will eat. Would think how me and Selva will spend our Old age days. Selva gets angry if I speak too much of future. He does not believe in savings, but I strongly believe in that. He does not even believe planning for anything that will happen a month later. I like planning the tasks at least ahead of two months. I won’t bother if I complete them or not, but I will plan. I feel that way, I am organizing myself. Selva worries only about the Ongoing day. I am fine with it 😊

But what I feel is  that, we should be well engaged with some goals even during the old age. That way we may feel better. Of course, we should have proper health and enough wealth to get involved into an useful goal. An idle brain welcomes unwanted thoughts and emotions but a busy brain is too busy to occupy those stuffs. That’s what I feel when I am occupied and idle. Hoping that all will be fine till the end 😊. Good luck to me and good luck to you too 😊

Thanks for reading

Subalalitha